If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Children seldom misquote you. They repeat word for word what you should not have said.
And you still love nature… despite what it did to you?
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
You spend the first 2 years of a childs life teaching them to walk and talk. Then teachers spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly – for the same reason.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
The early bird get the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
My opinions may change, not the fact that I am right.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother or sister going to do?
We didn’t fight our way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarians.
The computer beat me at chess, I won when it came to the kick boxing.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas!
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
When you go to court, you put your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
- My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
- My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
Valeria Lukyanova released new photo on Facebook that showed her with less make-up on.
In one of the images the 28-year-old took a selfie in a bathroom while wearing a pair of shorts and a crop top.
She looked strikingly different to previous photos where she had made herself appear like Barbie using make-up and various outfits.
The Ukrainian model recently caused controversy when she said she didn’t think people should be in mixed-race relationships.
‘Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that,’ she told GQ magazine.